Envisaged Soul

The darks skies, My moon and the Streak of Light. Another day gone by with panic, fear and caution. The pandemic, bringing life to a still with each passing day. Lovers didn't meet, the stars didn’t come out to shine, the clouds withered away, the wind stood still and the colors of the day disappeared in abyss. The bold, charming moon stood out bright in the lonesome skies bringing light to all of the darkness. I watched the moonlight sweep across the surface of the earth and wondered what might he be searching for in my crazy world? Why does he shine so bright when all are tucked in their beds tonight? Does he worry that he will be forgotten  while I am asleep? While I am away? He appeared to be longing, craving, and wanting. Sad that he couldn’t find what he was looking for. Disheartened that he was denied his heart’s desires. I wanted to reach out, braised my palm upon his white, rugged surface gently, lovingly and tell him that all will be ok. Hold him in my arms, press a kis...

The big 3 O as they call it… While most people are anxious about this supposedly life changing number, there are others who embrace the change and even few who are indifferent to it. I consider myself one of those who feel indifferent to it. In the last couple of years as I was nearing this number and watching others around me nearing this age, I was trying to understand why people made such a big deal about it. Was it because of social-cultural expectations? Was it biological changes? Was it because of human nature to psychologically group phases of your life in decades? Perhaps a mixture of everything. And so I picked each of these questions and tried to answer them for myself to understand better why it’s not so special to me. Social Expectations: While social expectations play an important part in everyone’s life, it only brushes me on the surface. Turning 30 and being unmarried is quite aggressively looked down upon by societies in India if not other places. The expect...

Live It, Love Yourself, Laugh It Off It is human nature to be unsatisfied, to want more, to succumb to expectations and external pressures. And to make things worse the neighbour’s grass always appears to be greener. Any person’s life will revolve around one of/some of/many of/all of the following things Career: Power, Money, Knowledge, etc. People: Family, Friends, Partner, Colleagues, and Society, etc. Interests: Hobbies, dreams, and passions, etc. What you do is mostly your choice, and off course there are some unfortunate people who may not have a choice for various reasons. But this is more for people who are not so unfortunate and who have tons of choices in the world to be happy but don’t do shit about it. I am so tired of hearing the statements or being asked questions such as... “Work hard!”, “But you can make more money!”, “Just follow your dream/passion!”, “What will people think/say?”, ”When are you getting married?”, “Why don’t you buy a new car?”. Many people str...

A Steady Rock, a Lost Soul and a Long Journey She opened her eyes at that time of the day and it was still unusually bright. Everything that happened, just before those eyes were shut, was far behind, lost and gone, but not forgotten. What was present was that very moment. She could feel the presence of the four elements. The water that was flowing over her feet. The wind that was blowing on her face. The earth that she took rest upon and the sun that was shining bright above. She was far, far away from home, alone but not lonely, on a new journey, a foreign land, surrounded by people that spoke a different tongue, and saw things very different from what she was used to. In that unfamiliar territory, the elements were the only things that felt familiar to her, everything else mostly unknown. She could make herself acquainted to her surroundings, if she sought to. She was tempted to divulge in a dip and swim away into the horizon of that lake, but she chose not to. This day had a ...

"Not all those who wander are lost; not all that is over is past" ~ John Ronald Reuel Tolkien Saying ‘goodbye’ is never easy for the young warrior, but she knew it was sometimes more important than saying‘hello’. Her life would not be lived until all of the unwritten stories of her book were ventured and in its own way calibrated to completeness. In order for her to arrive to that satisfaction of a new story, she had to move on from comfort and explore the changes all around her, else it was not worth a story at all. It was time to bid farewell to the Knight, for his teachings with the Warrior were done. She could see a 'goodbye' from various perspectives. Did it mean that their stories would never coincide? Or did it mean that their stories would take different turns? Or could it possibly be that there could be new stories played with different characters in the future? The Warrior was no longer just a warrior, and yet, not a knight. She was now baptized by ...

When reality feels like a dream… After a long, tiring, week day finally came to an end, I free fell across my bed to relax and take a moment to myself. These moments are usually spent having more like a retrospective discussion with myself. This morning when my mind woke up for the first time from deep sleep, I knew what I was about to open my eyes to. I could sense your presence right beside me. I lifted my heavy eyelids while I felt my cheeks make way for a smile only to see your beautiful face right in front of me. And in what may have been minutes, felt like few moments I admired your face as if detailing every inch of your skin. I watched you slowly open your charming eyes that stared right back at me, and those luscious lips broaden a smile on your face. The Silence of Breath had intrigued my conscience with hopes and dreams. At this moment all that was just about to come true. All those wishes had passed on from dusk to dawn. The comfort of laying there in your arms ...

To Live and to Love the Rains... Most people I know sigh at the thought of rains. Personally, I don't understand it. I for one love the rains. I love almost everything about it. I enjoy right from watching the rains sitting by the window eating brownies, drinking coffee, right up to playing football and getting drenched in it. Long drive/ride in the rain, sometimes even a swim.. Yeah I know what you non lovers are thinking! Why would I want the rain when i’m already wet in the pool and its cold. But its just something about it, that very few people get. One fine Sunday, summer afternoon, I was lazing in my balcony and whiling away my time waiting for evening and the sun set. I don’t really enjoy everything that comes with the blaring heat even though I come from a very hot and humid place along the west coast. And no doubt I loved the coast not because of the hot beaches, but because of the cool ocean that I could swim in after a long, sweaty game of football or volleyball...

Weapons of destruction, Winds of change, Love and Life The storm was finally over leaving her with new lessons to be learnt. She had her ‘dark moments’ when time just froze and she went into a deep trance of nothingness. She envisioned herself standing in pitch darkness, surrounded by nothing, no noise, no wind, just emptiness prevailing all around, so much so that she couldn't even see herself. Her awareness limited to only the presence of her mind. It was like sleeping but being very aware of the moment. In contrast to what people might conclude, presume, understand, perceive from this situation, she felt relieved. She knew she was alone, that nobody’s prying eyes could disturb her. It was this moment she could bring up any thought, any memory and project it into the blank space. She picked the memories of the battle with the knight. She played it again and again. She learned that there were new lessons to be learnt, more battles that had to be fought with him in order t...

When Karma strikes... She watched the clouds above her, she could see the dark colors seeping in and spreading through, like a cotton soaking ink. It finally began with a gust of wind and a flurry of dried leaves and twigs. She closed her eyes, lowered her head towards the earth and held both her arms before her creating a shield. She could only hear and feel the strikingly cold waft. It grew stronger and faster by the minute. The wind gushed through time along with her. Then a deafening noise struck her ears. The same thunder that once gave her the thrills, now made her shudder. The lightning that brightened the night, was nothing but blinding to her eyes. The open field left no shelter above her head. With no protection anymore she felt naked and vulnerable. The first drop of rain fell on her then opened palm. She stood up and looked to the sky as if waiting for something from above. She watched the droplets of water falling out of nowhere and heading straight down her face....

Flashbacks... Far down the horizon, stood that young girl, tall in the middle of the storm. She has that look on her face. A heart full of desire, a mind full of hope and a willingness to take on anything that comes her way. She was born to be a brave warrior, learned to protect herself and care for the ones that she loved. She was tamed by the control of her own wrath and yet she melted like ice in a furnace when forced by demanding moments to meet her soft-hearted nature. She had a quick, curious mind and was quite pragmatic most of the time. But not this time. Not this battle. This time it was different. Nothing could save her accept the lessons of the storm. She had to patiently sit and wait for it to pass. In these situations patience wasn't her biggest strength considering the restlessness she bore. But it wasn't an impossible task. Before a battle began, she would recite this out loud to herself, “I am no princess in a perfectly beautiful world waiting for my Prin...

As seen written in her diary... The storm is coming... Most storms arrive when you least expect it (if you are careless, immature and naive) But sometimes ignorance is bliss because it is worse to know it’s coming when you feel like an arm less carpenter. I have only seen this one from afar, heard of people who have been in it or probably watched it pass me by. But now its time… My turn is here! I can see it approaching me, I hear the hour bell in my head for the countdown has begun. I feel the torture of the calm and silence imprisoning my mind and everything around me. And the thoughts and voices in my head are incalculable. My mind drawing charts and running codes of all the possible events, situations and outcomes, trying to prepare myself for this storm coming up with no true solution. My heart telling me nothing, just beating hard. “Useless!”, I cry out with frustration. Being as stubborn as I can be, unwilling to give up, I still look for ways to deal with or at least ...

It was three days after a full moon, and although it only appeared to be yet another full moon this very night, it was not, but was still lonesome and beautiful. It was silent and quiet. I was laying on my bed, I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't let the approaching restlessness have the better of me. I closed my eyes to pay attention to the noises around me which are usually insignificant and go unnoticed. I could hear the crickets chit-chattering, giving the night importance by their presence like as if they were an impatient crowd waiting to witness something that was going to happen, left in suspense, left with curiosity, left with the hopes of amazement . I blocked the cheer of the crowd out from my head and it happened. I could hear your breath while you were fast asleep. The pure innocence of a child, the presence of an angel. Each time you inhaled, it felt like something was taken away from me. And each time you exhaled, I could feel your breath on my skin, tricklin...

Experience of the unknown, Admiration of the unimaginable, Inspiration from the Unforgettable Fernweh by definition is the exact opposite of Heimweh, (Homesickness). Fernweh is a German word that beautifully explains a lot of feelings in one word, which literally means “far sickness” or “an ache for the distance”. Here are some symptoms of my wanderlust. To wake up very often in my bed, in my home feeling so out of place, uncomfortable, unwelcome, with this restlessness in my mind and vigour in my body. A rigorous want to break the routine. An uncontrollable urge to pack my rucksack, put on some shoes, and walk away into the horizon, no second thoughts, no words, and simply get lost into a place that has never had the presence of many a footsteps. To spend hours lost in thoughts of places that probably are just figments of my scattered imagination or pictures engraved in my mind of places I long to visit; patched up together like an overwhelming collage. To get teary constantly glu...

A struggle of the ‘heart’ and ‘mind’ Very often I am told to listen to my heart. So I ask myself what does my heart say? I hear something but I cannot make sense of it and so I turn to my mind. I cannot see clearly ahead but I cannot forget what just passed me by. I was told I am good with words. Then why is it so hard to speak my mind or my heart? I’m just floating amidst the clouds that fly away, and the rain that pours down to the earth. Where do I belong? If ‘heart’ is the righteous choice then why does it only bring pain? If ‘mind’ is the choice of a cold heart then why do I experience stronger feelings? Is it love? Or is it a force inculcated by the darkness of loneliness, the need for belonging, an illusion of infatuation? What is love? I thought it was many things. Infatuation In my opinion ‘Love is often a misconception of infatuation. One would be smart enough to know that it is an immature contemplation but in spite of having significant understanding of its unreal...

Yes off course I was inspired by the movie and even more when I studied a little about the dynamic deterministic and non-deterministic systems. And even more by recent life changing events. So what is the Butterfly Effect? The Chaos Theory This theory basically deals with the behavior of dynamical systems that are highly sensitive to initial conditions, an effect which is popularly referred to as the butterfly effect. Whatever we do now, will determine what will happen in the future. And even if we do manage to go back in time and change that one little thing, the outcome will not be the same as expected, but could possibly result in something else completely outrageous. We do whatever we feel like at that moment of time. Sometimes we do good things and sometimes we do bad things. But crying over spilled milk does not make a dead man alive. (Yes, I intended to combine the two sayings!) Sure we can grieve and sure we should be sorry and off course we must try to make things rig...

Once in every four fortnights I find myself sitting by a stream, a river or a swimming pool after midnight. While all beautiful things are admired after dawn, I am constantly drawn to the magnificence of the after light. The soothing calmness of silence… The still and undisturbed flowing waters… The countless stars making me feel so insignificant… The moonshine, the only provider of light to nightfall… It is at this time of solitude that I can reflect on myself, my life, stare back into my soul and think about things that daily life would never bear in my mind. I see the reflection of my heart, all the names imprinted on it, all the memories embossed, all that makes me who I am. And I think, contemplate and get lost in abyss of my own thoughts. When I'm done being thankful for my past, I think about my dreams and wishes. My wants, my needs… What? Where? When? How? So many unanswered questions of the endless chain of thoughts… I know they will be answered in time. I just k...

I close my eyes tonight before I see the light of day. I can't help but to think about all of the good things. The things that make me happy, the times I lived like there was no tomorrow. And it forces a smile upon on my face. I am thankful and content, hoping to continue the same path. But I know it’s time... for tomorrow I will see the world very differently. What seemed like a couple of minutes was actually hours... Hours had gone by since I had that trailing smile on my face. I open my eyes slowly, it's a new day. But it’s just not any new day. It's not a day I want to live like there is no tomorrow, but in fact a day I have to fight for to see more days ahead. There is so much more to see, so much more to experience. I nod to myself as I know what is stored for me in the next few days or months to come. It's yet another battle day... I stand before the battlefield. I put on my armor. Before I move I stop to have a last thought before the battle begins. ...

Moving on... usually followed by Goodbye, sometimes is the hardest thing to do. I was inspired to write this after my friend Grisha (a.k.a Blusha) wrote about her thoughts on saying Goodbye . Something one comes across at least once in their lives. Some people are lucky to have gone through it just once. The rest of us? Well what does not kill us only makes us stronger. Having said that here are my views on moving on. Every moment of our life is an experience that, like a potter shapes us into the person we are. A vase is very rarely straight up and sharp edged. It has its curves, the ups and downs, the bumpy ride just like our lives. Ultimately the result is still beautiful art. Moving on does not mean " Forgive and Forget ". In fact I find it very difficult to forget. Either we need to move on from a good memory or a bad one. If its a good one, the pain comes from letting go and if its a bad one then the pain lies in the hatred of oneself or the person causing it. In...